RD 7 Deadly Rivalry And Chaos - The End Of All Differences

RELATIONSHIP DYNAMIC 7 RD7: DEADLY RIVALRY AND CHAOS - THE END OF ALL DIFFERENCES As tensions and rivalries escalate until they are almost out of control, both parties gather around one or two differences for which they are prepared ‘to go to the wall’ or ‘even to die for’. Compromise is experienced as capitulation. These beliefs or positions become so undeniably important that they can acquire a ‘sacred quality’. ‘Sacred Beliefs’ take on a life beyond themselves, and even beyond the lifetimes of those who began the rivaling. They are non-negotiables: “You cannot take them away from us, even if you kill us”, people often say. These ‘non-negotiables’ can become the rationale for on-going personal, social, and political feuds. With time, they become deep, and often, sacred elements of a people’s identity.

As unlimited rivalry escalates and spins out of control, the conflict approaches a final point. Each participant or party becomes increasingly alike in voice, physical posture, and emotional state. They eventually become each other’s mirror image, ‘doubles’ locked in a fight to the bitter end. By now no differences remain, except for those that are non-negotiable and ‘sacred’ between them. To a neutral on-looker, this can look and feel like deadly rivalry. Serious injury, and even death, can really be the final outcome! How can the participants walk back from this edge? There is little chance of the rivals stepping back from the abyss unless something unexpected intervenes, such as friends literally pulling them apart. However, in such moments of high tension, friends are, more often than not, already aligned and co- opted. Friends who have managed to remain free of the rivalry may find that their freedom to intervene has now narrowed to one of physical force or of ending their relationship by walking away! Intervention at an earlier stage would have provided more possibilities. Without an unexpected intervention, it becomes ‘win at all costs’ or be defeated. Such a dynamic can lead to violence being used, readily justified by those who use it, and their aligned supporters. The characteristic of chaos is that, structurally, there is no order. All differences have disappeared. All are in danger. No one is safe. RD7 DEADLY RIVALRY AND CHAOS - THE END OF ALL DIFFERENCES

Summary

Chaos occurs when there are no differences left between us. In such a chaotic, un-ordered situation, we, understandably, become fearful for our very being. Relationships in which our differences are welcomed are structures that give everyone a valued place. Such structures protect us from the worst actions we are all capable of. Paradoxically, in our modern society, we tend to (wrongly) emphasise that we are all the same. This is a mistake. Too much similarity does not give us enough protective space and structure. We need the space of open diverse relationships within which we value our differences, rather than the stiffness, unease and rigidity of rivalrous relationships that perpetuate the myth of sameness.