Understanding Relationships
RD 4 Rivalry Within Limits - Some You Win, Some You Lose
RELATIONSHIP DYNAMIC 4 RD4.
Source: Nurturing Hope, Understanding Relationships, May 22 Final The Understanding Conflict Trust - Nurturing Hope - 3 Understanding Relationships.pdf, pages 24-26
RELATIONSHIP DYNAMIC 4 RD4. “RIVALRY WITHIN LIMITS”, SOME YOU WIN - SOME YOU LOSE BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS Daily life has many small interpersonal conflicts that can be successfully negotiated if we have experiences of strong relationships based on respect and trust. The relationship between the people is more important than the point of the conflict. “Win some/lose some” is often a trade-off people settle for in modern life. It is a bearable and balanced experience, as long as we sense we are winning as often as we lose! As an example, in sports the referee and the rules of the game regulate competition and rivalry within limits. They remind the players that “it is only a game” and create the boundaries for good sportsmanship. At the end of the game, the rivalry between the players ceases. There are some instances now of players or competitors carrying on the fight between them from the pitch or stadium and embroiling opposed groups of supporters. What is this doing for the safety of ‘Rivalry within Limits’?
INVITATION
If you feel able to, please make some notes or write a longer diary type entry about how relationships characterised by ‘some you win- some you lose’ has impacted on you?
REFLECT ON YOUR OWN
In these exercises you are invited to examine your experiences of relationships marked by ‘rivalry within limits’. Identify one ‘some you win - some you lose’ relationship where rivalry grew between you and another, but where the rivalry was eventually controlled. • How did this rivalry within limits develop? • Was it a regular occurrence? • How did you feel when you were caught up in the growing rivalry?
Find Your Voice
On your own or working with another person: • How did this ‘some you win- some you lose’ relationship make you feel? • Did having a strong relationship with those you were rivalling with bring any comfort or reassurance that ‘this will not get out of hand’? • Who were the people or what were the rules that helped you keep this relationship to a state of gentle rivalry? • friendship or family ties? • remembered stories of shared times before the rivalry grew? • adherence to a set of informal or formal rules limiting rivalry? • laughter, at the futility of it all? • Are there any on-going consequences for the relationship. Are you still able to be with those involved in an open and friendly manner? In our professional relationships, ‘win some/lose some’ can be regulated by explicit formal and agreed rules and, at other times, in unstated, commonly acknowledged rules. The assumed ‘give and take’ in relationships with family, friends, and colleagues provides these same boundaries. Boundaries, limits and rules are important to the health of relationships. We all have the potential to disregard them and, when we do, we hurt others and ourselves. Where such boundaries have never been established, the potential for hurt is even greater. That being said, some of us are good at fighting and are happy to rival! This is especially so if we become more successful as a result. As we continue to win, we can be insensitive to those we have pushed aside on the road to success. Deep down, we can also become anxious that a time will come when we too, will be beaten or pushed aside!
Explore Your Reason
• Did everyone understand the boundaries or rules around such behavior not being broken? • What good reason is there to have had or to have such relationships? • In today’s world, where many rivalrous relationships seem capable of escalating out of control quickly, what reasons are there for taking part in ‘rivalry within limits’ relationships?
Examine Your Choice
• Does your experience in these relationships still make sense? • When similar situations emerge now, what choices would you make about joining them or walking away from them? • Would you, more or less, be open and comfortable when such situations develop again?
COLLABORATIVE ACTIVITY
Please share your responses to this ‘some you win - some you lose’ relationship structure with others in your group. • How did it feel to be caught up in escalating rivalry with someone with whom you enjoyed a strong relationship? • At all times did you know that this rivalry would not get out of hand? • How did you know this to be the case? • Closeness of the relationship? • A joking or playful atmosphere? • Unstated or stated rules? • By hearing your own voice and the voices of others, what are you now learning about the experience and potential of such ‘some you win-some you lose’ relationships?
Summary
Boundaries and limits, whether stated or unstated, are important guides for people who like, and value, one another. They control rivalry and keep it from getting out of hand. This is equally true in our civic and public life, in community groups, in places of business, in recreational and sporting spaces, and in the variety of public locations where people from diverse backgrounds meet. Are such rivalries inevitable or are there ways to prevent them evolving?