Nurturing Hope

Understanding Relationships

RD 2 I Secure Your Place - You Secure Mine

When we are in a relationship with another person with whom we do not rival or compete, we each model freedom with, and for, one another.

Source: Nurturing Hope, Understanding Relationships, May 22 Final The Understanding Conflict Trust - Nurturing Hope - 3 Understanding Relationships.pdf, pages 17-20

When we are in a relationship with another person with whom we do not rival or compete, we each model freedom with, and for, one another. Each person gives the other their place; each looks out for the other. We do not have to struggle or fight for our place.

In a trusting relationship we have our place and are able to articulate our own voice without hindrance. We have the full power of ‘human agency’ - our ability to change things for the common good, through exercising our choice.

A Model-Model Relationship

We call this relationship structure a Model-Model relationship.

  • Each person is mimetic with the freedom and ease the other has.
  • Each respects and trusts the other.
  • Each models trust to the other.

Such a non-competitive, reciprocal relationship is the basis for deep learning about trust and freedom, change and growth. We respect each other’s dignity and in so doing, give each other an unconditional welcome, security and the freedom to hope. This does not have to be a constant state. We may only experience this freedom with one another for a part of our time each day, and nevertheless, it is a very liberating experience. Mutual respect is nurtured.

Acknowledging the other person as being different and equal is an important aspect of respect. Having different interests and affiliations that enrich the relationship is how respect is deepened. To enjoy open and robust exchanges of experiences, views and beliefs with a different other is to deepen bonds between us. In such an open and respectful relational space, we grow and develop in confidence and resilience.

In such a space we meet as equal and different citizens. We respect the different backgrounds, interests, beliefs and talents of the other.

Such spaces are safe places where, together, we can imagine, hope, and create new possibilities.

Groups of more than two people can also be such safe places.

INVITATION

If you feel able to, please make some notes or write a longer diary type entry about your response to “I Secure Your Place - You Secure Mine”.

REFLECT ON YOUR OWN

This model of relationship represents a relationship between two different people who have come to respect each other, even if they have previously been opposed.

Looking at this model, recall a relationship with another person—parent, carer, teacher, youth worker, fellow worker, friend—who looked out for you, who believed in you and with whom you always felt safe and secure.

If you can recall even just one relationship in which you were affirmed, empowered, valued, held unconditionally, and given your place, bring it to mind. Remember as many details as you can from being in that relationship. Re-experience being with this person, letting them be present with you.

Find Your Voice

On your own or if you prefer, working with another person.

  • How did it feel to be with someone who unconditionally supported you?
  • What difference did such a relationship mean to you at that time?
  • Are you still in that relationship and, if so, what does it mean to you now?
  • If that relationship ended, or only belonged to that particular time of life, does it, in any manner, still enable you to be with different other people since then?

Explore Your Reason

Try to discern the distinctive ways in which the relationship with this person gave you security.

Look back.

  • Does this relationship still influence you today?
  • What did this experience enable you to go on to do?
  • What reasons do you think lay behind you enjoying such a positive relationship?
  • What difference did it make to you and the other person?
  • Was this a unique experience or did you have many such secure relationships?

In today’s world what reasons would you put forward for people to trust people who are different?

  • What would this demand of you and what might be the benefits?
  • What conditions would need to be fulfilled, if any?
  • What might be the impact on you, and your closest family and friends, if your network of trusting relationships grew?
  • Would there be any limits to this?

Examine Your Choice

  • How, today, might the relationship you identified inform and encourage you to take further risks and make new relationships with different others?
  • Are there some people around you today with whom you wish to have a more secure and open relationship?
  • What conditions would need to exist for you to develop these relationships?
  • Would there be any costs to making these changes?
  • What would assure you to be able to more openly converse with each other?
  • What would the impact be, if any, on wider society, if people expanded the reach of trusting relationships?

COLLABORATIVE ACTIVITY

If you are willing now, speak about the theme-”I Secure Your Place-You Secure Mine” with another person.

If you initially shared in pairs, reconvene the larger group and continue to share insights with each other.

Hearing your own voice and the voices of others, what are you now learning about the experience and potential of such model-model relationships?

Summary

When we are in relationships with others with whom we do not rival, we model freedom and possibilities to one another. Each gives the other their place. Each trusts the other. We are what we call ‘mimetic’ with the freedom of the other. We unconsciously imitate each other’s freedom.

In such a manner, freedom and ease are mirrored and multiplied between us and with others.

Deep learning, trust and freedom develop; change and growth develop out of such a respectful relationship.